10. Writing “0.00″ on the tip line of a credit card reciept is worse than a dash. Stick with the dash if you must stiff us.

9. Don’t fucking stiff us. This includes diners, delis, cafes, fancy restaurants, and little hole in the wall rooms. It doesn’t punish us. It punishes you. We remember everything. Everything…

8. We will ignore you if you ignore us. A lot of us have a personal rule that we don’t talk to people that are on the phone. We don’t like it when random people walk up to us While we’re on the phone. And you know what? We wouldn’t do that to you  either. But you also won’t get your food until you hang the fuck up!

7. If you want something that’s not listed on the menu. We don’t fucking have it!

6. Yes you’re cute. Yes, you’re nice. No, we can’t give you free shit. No, it is not our shit to give away.

5. When you come in five minutes before we close and you have to tell us you feel like “that guy”, you know, the one that comes in at really inconvenient times for us, you are “that guy”. Fuck you for asking if you are. You know you are.

4. When you come in five minutes before we’re open and we can’t make your favorite dish it’s because we’re not fucking open yet.

3. “Thanks” is an easy word to say. I’m not asking you to suck my dick here. I’m just asking you to show a little fucking gratitude.

2. If you want us to deliver your food and you live really fucking far away. It wont always get there super fast. The space time continuum still applies to delivery people and it will in fact take longer to get it to you  if you live farther away.  And on the note of deliveries don’t ever, I repeat, don’t ever stiff the delivery guy. If he works in a place like I do he just rode his bike 23 blocks uphill to bring you your food and the only reason we do that is for your tips. We don’t give a shit about you or your financial problems. We have them too. If you can’t afford to tip go to the grocery store. You don’t have to tip checkers and it’s cheaper.

1. DON’T FUCK WITH PEOPLE THAT HANDLE YOUR FOOD!!!!!!!!

Fuck…

My cat peed on my fucking computer. That’s why I haven’t blogged in like four months. The cat’s so damn cute though. Or she was before I ripped out her uterus and replaced it with her tail. Anywho I now have my computer back and I can now blog again. That’s right… You get to feed my narcissism yet again. And why? Because I’m better than all you fuckers.

I’m just joking of course but the more I think about and live my life I realize that a large portion of the world is constituted of idiots. People yelling “terrorist” at Barack Obama, “Joe the Plumber”, bad drivers, drunk people saying stupid shit, the homeless always wanting my money, and to top it all off I have two jobs. I have to because my old car broke and I now have to make car payments for a new one.

My second job is at a deli in downtown portland that is in walking distance from about every bar in the portland area. And it’s open until 4AM which is conveniently when I work so I get great tips but have to deal with really annoying people and quite often the biggest assholes in the world. The other day the biggest douchebags in the NW area popped on in. They were drunk and loud and rude. They ate, left a huge mess and then tried leaving without cleaning up. A guy I work with,”Phil”, and I followed them outside to tell them to clean up their mess. They told us it was our job so we took their pictures and have them hanging up on our wall so we never have to serve them again. In the meantime we had to clean up their mess and we found one of their cell phones on the table. So we smashed it. It’s passive aggressiveness at its best.

Anywho, America, it’s good to be back… Fuck…

Why the fuck do people seem to lack the simple ability to look the fuck around. I got stuck on fucking public transportation because someone couldn’t look behind them or at least around to see that I was behind them trying to get off. Seriously? You can’t just look back. And they didn’t even look back when I said excuse me. And why should they? They didn’t know what I was saying because they don’t speak fucking English. Fucking Christ!

I’m constantly told by my Mexican co-workers that I’m wrong for thinking that people should at least make some sort of effort to learn English. They ask me,”Why can’t you learn Spanish?”

Well for one I am learning spanish but I shouldn’t fucking have to!! I didn’t move here I was born here just like everyone else here that is rightly pissed off that we’re now expected to learn a new language because someone else is moving in!!!

I know I come from immigrants and all that noise but the fact is that this is a different time. I had nothing to do with manifest destiny and I sure as hell won’t take responsibility for what my ancestors did 200 years ago.

That’s ADD for you. I just took on, like, 43 different topics in one blog.

Fuck…

Here I am. I got married. Holy shit I got married. I’m back now and ready to offend the senses.

First off I’d like to thank everyone that decided baby boomer women could be in ads for bowel regulating yogurt. You can die now.

Secondly I’d like to say that people that leave nasty comments in my absence are douchebags.

Fuck…

So I’m up and It’s like 3:00AM. I’m watching the jesus channel and I’m about to shoot the TV. It’s like a train wreck. I don’t wanna stare but I just can’t look away. It’s so full of inaccuracies I don’t even know where to begin.

For one they quoted Benjamin Franklin as saying that we can’t run a country unless we get on our knees and pray. That’s pretty cool considering that he was an outspoken atheist.

They also had a lawyer on that stated that as soon as we took religion out of schools that’s when America’s schools went down hill. They state that the overwhelming majority of private schools in the USA are Christian based and they are scoring an average of 80 points higher on the SAT’s because they are christian based. Really? Because they’re Christian based? Not because of the smaller teacher to student ratio? Not because of better funding in most cases? It’s because of Jesus, huh? Amazing…

Oh and these people really really love George Bush. They firmly believe that God put him there. Of course they also follow John Hagee’s thought that God put Hitler in place to punish the sinning Jews too. I’m thinking that if God had anything to do with GW it was in the Hitler capacity.

I have two cats. One seems like she’s from the east coast. She’s very purposeful. She almost never frivolously plays. She’s always got a reason to be doing anything that she’s doing. She’s kinda cold though. Not a lot of emotion or a lot of life enjoyment that’s obvious. Hence the east coast.

And then there’s the other one… The west coast… I should say that I was born and raised on the west coast, still live there, and absolutely love it. But the cat… Oh the cat… Let’s just say I’m currently watching her sniff a door hinge… She’s cute… Oh so cute… She’s very emotional. You can tell she loves life but might not be the brightest thing in the world.

I gotta say, however, that neither one of them is above licking the other’s cooter when they’re in heat. Neither one is above playing with a beer bottle cap. the only difference is that the first does it with more dignity. But don’t think the equality stops there…

There is one great equalizer. It’s called “heat”. Both are little sex kittens during said period (there were like 14 puns in that last sentence). Neither will move for anyone during said time either. They just lay there with their butt’s in the air as if to say,”You there! Fuck me!”.

They just want some sperm babies. But they can’t have any… HA! Fuck them and their want for semen… Fuck.

Miley Cyrus is that dream. I realized this just now as I was reading a blog with her picture in it and realized that she is hot. And then I realized that I just found a 15 year old girl hot… This is what it’s come down to. I’m waaaay too old to look at her like that and yet this little she-tard is leading a prostitot revolution. Looks to me like she followed one too many strange men from the park to their van for candy.

On to the next subject.

Little girls are now whores.

And the next subject.

It’s really more of a random thought than a whole subject but I have to ask. Can people with Down’s Syndrome sleep on their back? You’d think they’d swallow their giant tongues.

Another random thought. It must be great to masturbate with Parkinson’s disease. Each move is a surprise to you.

And now I’m done being such a big asshole. I believe that everyone deserves some sort of outlet for their anger. I have absolutely no anger towards retards, she-tards, or people with Parkinson’s but I have to release anger without getting fired. And since I can’t masturbate at work I write when I get home right before I masturbate. My keyboard has a damn good splooge-guard.

Okay so yesterday would have been a really really bad day if it hadn’t been for my parents sending me money. It was really stressful to find out that I had $2.70 in my bank account. My lady was really stressed out too so we fucked. We fucked long and hard. It was a great stress reliever. And I’m left to think; what else is there for stress?

Sex works really well but what if I’m stressed in a situation where I can’t have sex? I can’t smoke weed. I get tested a lot in the Guard. I can’t smoke tobacco. I quit that a long time ago. I can’t drink. I’m under 21. This doesn’t always stop me but I can’t always get beer. I could run sometimes but I can’t really do that at work.

Sometimes I guess we just have to deal with the stress. I do so a lot of the time by saying unbelievably offensive things. For instance one day I looked my mexican co-worker right in the eye and said,”I hate you brown people.”

He laughed and took it in stride and said something about Jews. It all worked out well.

The only things I’ve ever found that people won’t laugh about all of the time are their personal religions and retards. For instance I once said that Jesus was pretty much a zombie to my mother. My mother is a very religious person and was pretty offended.

I also once told someone that retards may very well be infiltrating our government with tiny cameras in their slobber. Once again that co-worker/foster parent to the disabled was not happy with me.

People need to lighten up… Fuck.

Sex is awesome. Hands down it’s one of the best things ever.

I can honestly say that the vagina is one of the best concrete nouns ever.

Penises are ugly. I like mine and everything but they aren’t attractive.

Anal sex is awesome.

Blow jobs are also awesome.

Tit fucking is an intriguing idea. I don’t think I would really want to do it but it’s an interesting idea.

Why can’t we all just agree that retards aren’t real. They’re just pretending.

Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, Shiva, Vishnu, Nirvana (the soul body not the band), Moses, Abraham, and Martin Luther King Jr. can all suck my cock.

If anyone speaks a language that I don’t decides to introduce me to a friend and then tell them about me in whatever their native language is they should be forced into ass to mouth with me followed by a particularly well aimed facial shot to the eye… Fuck.