Filed under: life | Tags: anal, anus, christ, christians, conspiracy, disability, foster kid, foster kids, foster parent, foster parents, fuck, fucking, government, jesus, jesus christ, jew, jews, mexican, mexicans, offend, offensive, religion, religions, religious, retard, retarded, retards, sex, slobber, zombie, zombies
Okay so yesterday would have been a really really bad day if it hadn’t been for my parents sending me money. It was really stressful to find out that I had $2.70 in my bank account. My lady was really stressed out too so we fucked. We fucked long and hard. It was a great stress reliever. And I’m left to think; what else is there for stress?
Sex works really well but what if I’m stressed in a situation where I can’t have sex? I can’t smoke weed. I get tested a lot in the Guard. I can’t smoke tobacco. I quit that a long time ago. I can’t drink. I’m under 21. This doesn’t always stop me but I can’t always get beer. I could run sometimes but I can’t really do that at work.
Sometimes I guess we just have to deal with the stress. I do so a lot of the time by saying unbelievably offensive things. For instance one day I looked my mexican co-worker right in the eye and said,”I hate you brown people.”
He laughed and took it in stride and said something about Jews. It all worked out well.
The only things I’ve ever found that people won’t laugh about all of the time are their personal religions and retards. For instance I once said that Jesus was pretty much a zombie to my mother. My mother is a very religious person and was pretty offended.
I also once told someone that retards may very well be infiltrating our government with tiny cameras in their slobber. Once again that co-worker/foster parent to the disabled was not happy with me.
People need to lighten up… Fuck.
Filed under: life | Tags: aging, Alzheimers, death, divorce, fetal alcohol syndrome, fuck, life
So I just got the news that my grandmother is moving into an Alzheimers care facility… This woman was my mother for the majority of my pubescence and now she’s gone off the deep end… What the fuck is this shit? She has had one of the hardest lives I’ve ever heard of and get’s nothing for it.
She grew up in a small mining town in Nevada with a father that was the town policeman, justice of the peace, judge, lawyer and mine foreman. She loved him dearly but he died when she was 10 in 1933. Her mom married four times after that and each of those husband (who had life insurance policies) “mysteriously” died. She even had a favorite stepdad. He was a barber. She still has his scissors.
After her childhood she had to move to Reno to go to high school. You have to understand that on the roads we drive on today with the speeds of the cars we drive today it takes three hours to go from her home town to Reno. She was 14 and she lived that far away from her family. High school was just a blur of bad grades and poor social graces. She eventually got her diploma and went to work for 25 cents an hour at a stationary store waiting for the next thing to come along. And he did
His name was Paul. He was 20 and she was 17. They “courted” for a month or two and she married him. I later found out that she only married him because he was there and he got her out of Reno. He beat her… a lot. He would always buy a new car and sell it just about every month just to look cool. It put them really really far into debt. He was a bastard. This was the only man she was ever with…
Then in 1940 My uncle came along. Then my other uncle (who had fetal alcohol syndrome). Then my mom. My mom was choked by my retarded uncle when she was a baby so they had to put him into a home. Later her eldest son grew up, had three children with his wife, and left them. She had to deal with her three grandchildren being raised to hate her because of what her son did.
My mother actually got a hold of him by phone about a year ago. He was living happily with his third wife in San Fransisco. He felt virtually nothing about what he had done. What a fucker.
My mother grew up, left home to go to nursing school, graduated, and married my dad in 1974. Her father (the abusive one) died in 1975 of hepatitis. My grandmother had to take car of him while he was sick.
She was the only working one in her house at this point. She worked for the phone company as the manager of the switch board operators. This was a terrible job. She was absolutely hated by her employees because she was forced to keep such strict rules. She had to fire anyone that was more than 30 seconds late even once. No matter the situation. If there was an ice storm it didn’t matter. If a child was sick it didn’t matter. she still had to fire them…
And then my mother had children. Me and my brother. We were the only ones of her five grand children that she ever knew. She came to hate my brother as he grew up because he reminded her of her late husband. He likes cars. That’s pretty much the only correlation. She likes me though. It’s nice to have.
And now we come to the end of her life. It’s been hard… I used to think that everybody catches a break every once in a while but now I don’t know. I would have thought a woman with a life like hers would at least be able to die with some dignity but I guess not. You might say that she still has the chance to die happily but I worked in Alzheimers care for a year. I know what happens to people when they die of Alzheimers. It’s not dignified. It’s not happy. It’s just death.
There never really is anything dignified about death. There is no music. There are no lights. There are no fireworks. You just stop breathing. Then it’s over. You can kinda tell when someone dies though. If you’re in the room it gets kinda cold all of the sudden… Fuck.
I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago and I saw a piece of driftwood float in from a distance and I felt jealous. Maybe it was because I was drunk but nevertheless I was envious of it.
I was on a camping trip trying to recoup from my weeks of working three different jobs and just blow off some steam. I had an epiphany during this wood siting and I teared up a little. I realized that I had been working so hard not to go under in society that I had missed out on a lot along the way. I’ve never been out of the country. I’ve only been to a few states in the US. I’ve never done any of this stuff because I’ve always been really really busy working and working and working.
I looked at this piece of driftwood and thought,” Why can’t I be like that driftwood?”
It just floats. It was once part of a forest I’m assuming. and then it became part of one of the most beautiful things the world has ever known; the ocean. There is so much out there that this log has seen. It’s been in a place where it couldn’t see land. I’ve never seen any of it. I’ve experienced so little that this simple piece of driftwood has seen.
I think I need to get out more… Fuck
Today I have to go to Salem, OR to play the bass guitar. I live in Portland… Yet another thing I just don’t feel like doing. Don’t get me wrong I love playing but since I’m in the national guard band I’m required to play this because it’s the military ball.
The military ball is basically a time that comes around once a year so that all of the officers in the Oregon national guard can get together, get drunk, attempt to do the whitest dancing possible, and all this while telling each other how awesome they are for being officers. And I, the lowly enlisted bitch, get to entertain them while they drunkenly dance and talk about how stupid everyone is for not being officers.
These are the same people that not a week ago told me I had to cancel wedding planning with the inlaws to drive down there and listen to a seminar on how to become an officer. I made it perfectly clear to them that I have absolutely no interest in becoming an officer by simply not showing up. Nothing is going to happen to me because of it but I’m still just a little pissed off that these people think they have some sort of dogmatic power over me. I don’t mind following orders when I’m on duty but when I’m off duty these people need to learn to chill out or just go fuck themselves.
Now I have to go down there in three hours and dance like a little grinder monkey for these people. I feel like a whore. People say porn and hookers objectify women. I say everything objectifies something. The only difference is that hookers and porn stars are women and men being objectified for their genitalia and I’m a dude being turned into a whore for my ability to play music. They can do what they want with me without so much as a thought that I’m human… FUCK!
I think my title said it all. There is so much beauty in the world. Why do we always have to fuck it up?
Growing up in strict religious conservative back-ground I got a lot of indoctrination about why we as humans have the right to fuck up the world. Looking back now I can hardly see where The Bible says it’s okay to fuck up the earth.
I’m a vegetarian because I can’t see why a person that considers oneself to be “loving” would kill and eat another creature. I know in The Bible it is made perfectly clear that it is “okay” to eat animals. Since when did “okay” start to mean “required”. We don’t need to kill to sustain ourselves and yet we still do. I don’t get it. I like how Paul McCartney put it, ” If slaughterhouses had glass walls everyone would be a vegetarian.”
It’s true. We as human beings have this uncanny ability to outsource every job out there that no one wants to do like killing innocent animals, to the people that can take watching it. Meanwhile we sit back, relax, and grill our steaks without ever knowing the animal. Without ever meeting it. Without ever considering that it might not want us to eat it. After all, we’re all here. Animals and humans alike. Why should one have the ability to end another’s life. We’re all just earthlings. It’s an even playing field. We as humans have the ability to adapt and use tools and just because no other animal on earth can do that the same way we can we have the right to kill them. I think we as a species have some evolving to do.
I’m a conservationist because I can’t see how building an asphalt jungle could replace the beauty of a real one. Maybe this ties in with the previous paragraph because there are animals being killed in forests each day because we’re destroying their habitat. Let’s just say for a second that there are no animals whatsoever in any forest anywhere. Have you ever been to one? They’re beautiful. Amazing even. Why is it that we destroy them to build towers and prisons and businesses and parking lots for said businesses. We’re doing the world no good.
Now let’s move back to a place in reality where there are animals in the forests. Why are we destroying their habitats? So we have a place to work? Why are we working? So we can afford time away from work? What do we do on those days off? I know the answer to that one. We sit around for the first day recouping from the previous five days. Then we take the second day to have a little fun but we can’t do too much because we don’t want to be too tired to perform well at work the next day. And so continues the cycle. We do this so we can afford some vacation time. Vacation time that is largely spent in the woods, camping. Camping in a place that we now have to pay for because we’ve monopolized every other god-damn place on earth for work… FUCK!!!
That was my rant time. Goodbye.
Filed under: life | Tags: boobies, homosexuality, kinky, life, religion, rimjob, sex
This is being written at the suggestion of C. This is an explanation of my life before during and after my sexual enlightenment.
March 8th of 1988 was the date I was born into the most sexually repressed household in the Western Hemisphere. I was taught from the get go that sex was only to be between spouses and there was such a bleak and serious tone put on it that I thought that anything outside of the missionary position (whatever that was) must be a sin. My mother has only had one boyfriend in her life and now she’s married to him and has been for the past 33 years. My dad had a bit different life but he became just as conservative as she did once he got back from Vietnam in 1967 and dealt with his experience through alcohol, realized that the bottle wasn’t the best way to escape, found Jesus, and became a Southern Baptist minister. Then he met my mom in 1972 and they were married in ‘74. They built a life together based on the churches beliefs, some of their own, and a hell of a lot of dogma.
I grew up thinking that anything The Bible said was complete and literal truth. I had no idea what a homosexual was until I was 5 or so and I thought it was gross. Instead of telling me that some people are different than me and are born that way my mom told me that it was gross as straight sex also is. I had no idea why in the hell anyone would want to do it. These are the thoughts that laid the foundation for my sexual life. (No pun intended.)
Later in life (9 or 10 years old I think) I started feeling like I was being taught something that didn’t feel quite right. Like I was praying to something that wasn’t there. But I was so afraid of leaving it I just got angry and decided that anyone who didn’t believe exactly like I did was stupid, wrong, and below me. This is the point at which I started hating homosexuals and anyone that had sex before marriage. It was a pretty dark time and I never realized how unhappy I was because I thought my self righteousness was happiness. But it’s lonely when you think you’re at the top. This continued until I was about 15.
When I was 14 I had a teacher named Mr. Seghetti. This guy was a short skinny Italian guy with a big head and very different views from mine. We never discussed sex but he was my World Cultures/Geography teacher so we ended up discussing lot’s of things that were completely contradictory to what I believed simply because they were things from different cultures. I argued vehemently with him about these things and whether or not they were wrong. I always said that things were weird or “just not right” and eventually I figured out that when Mr. Seghetti more than that when he argued with me. So eventually I started thinking that maybe he was right. Maybe there was more truth out there than what was in The Bible. Maybe I thought something differently than my parents told me I believed. So my mind started changing. I thought that if I now knew that not everything in The Bible was true why should I govern my whole life by it? So I became angry yet again. But this time it wasn’t at people I thought I was better than but that I had been lied to my entire life.
When I got to High School at 16 my mind transformed. I had the same ideal as before that anyone that thought differently than I do was wrong. Now instead of religion I based my piety on fact. I gained and lost from this time in life. I gained not love for people but indifference to their lifestyles. I now didn’t care what they did in their bedroom because it wasn’t my business which I suppose was a good thing but now I felt nothing. It’s partially because of my new enlightenment and partially because my father had just around that time started thinking about Vietnam again. So I had seen him try to kill himself. After that kind of thing your mind just tends to go numb to a lot of things that once bothered you. But now I didn’t care if people had sex with eachother or themselves or men with men or women with women. (Actually I rather liked women on women.)
I had, however, from my childhood developed a deep fear of showing any romantic emotion to the fairer sex. So I didn’t get a girlfriend until I was 16 and I didn’t have a serious one until I was almost 18. I barely had the testicular fortitude to ask her out on a date and after I did I threw up. Not out of disgust but because I was so fucking nervous. Now I’m engaged to her and I think she’s finally taught me love. I love her of course but moreover I’ve learned love for my fellow man. I’ve learned to be kinky. I like to spank. I like porn. I still don’t care if someone is gay but now it doesn’t even enter my mind when I befriend them. Which I think is the very definition of love. Judging someone by who they are as a person. Not by who they fuck or make love to. Not who they worship. But exactly by who they are.
As of now I’d have to say that I’m one of the kinkiest people I know. I try to love everyone. I love every sexual position including missionary. I even love giving the occasional rimjob. I love life now. It’s a good one.
It’s getting pretty crazy. But not really. I’m not exactly sure what crazy is anymore. I really don’t do anything anymore. I don’t have a job. I’m not in school because it’s spring break but next semester I’m only taking two classes neither one of which are very important for anything but the soul (if that even exists).
I’ve started reading recently. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been illiterate but I’ve never enjoyed reading. I found out that I still don’t like reading fiction and stories and whatnot but I do enjoy reading philosophy and poetry. I’m currently in the middle of Plato’s The Trial and Death of Socrates. What a mind fuck. I kinda remember reading it in summer school, like, five years ago but there is a huge difference between reading something to better yourself and reading something to answer questions on a test. I spent an hour reading it and only got to the end of the argument between Socrates and Euthyphro about the definition of piety. I would read a page and then read it again and again and again until I got the meaning behind that segment and then move on to find that I had gained absolutely nothing. I think I have to chalk it up to the fact that Plato was writing on a completely different level of mindset than your average American guy but It’s still a mind fuck. Also the whole argument is base on the idea of a polytheistic religious society so Socrates using the different gods to void Euthyphro’s point. However I really got some sick sadistic pleasure after Socrates told Euthyphro he could be his lawyer and then dashed his hopes when he proved he was smarter than Euthyphro. It was amazing.
Also I’m going to be starting Dante’s Inferno soon so I have high hopes for that. I hope to be able to show my mother exactly what she believes and why it’s ridiculous. She doesn’t like Catholicism but there sure are some interesting parallels between what she thinks and what they do. So far I’ve found that Catholics and Baptists both have a lot of dogma but the Baptists wont admit it.
I’ve been thinking I could get a degree in Philosophy or religious studies but I can’t really think of what I could do with that beyond teaching. Although I think that’s what I’d have to do to be happy. I really want to teach but I also want options. Well fuck… Thus is my life… Fuck.
