I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago and I saw a piece of driftwood float in from a distance and I felt jealous. Maybe it was because I was drunk but nevertheless I was envious of it.
I was on a camping trip trying to recoup from my weeks of working three different jobs and just blow off some steam. I had an epiphany during this wood siting and I teared up a little. I realized that I had been working so hard not to go under in society that I had missed out on a lot along the way. I’ve never been out of the country. I’ve only been to a few states in the US. I’ve never done any of this stuff because I’ve always been really really busy working and working and working.
I looked at this piece of driftwood and thought,” Why can’t I be like that driftwood?”
It just floats. It was once part of a forest I’m assuming. and then it became part of one of the most beautiful things the world has ever known; the ocean. There is so much out there that this log has seen. It’s been in a place where it couldn’t see land. I’ve never seen any of it. I’ve experienced so little that this simple piece of driftwood has seen.
I think I need to get out more… Fuck
So a while ago I wrote a blog that had to do with the man’s role in being the significant other who’s partner has Vulvodynia. I’m touching that one up today. My significant other is in the middle of a flair up and it’s no fun.
Last night we were watching a movie in bed and it started to get really hot and heavy between us. I got up in the missionary position, put it in, and she started crying. Needless to say it sucked.
I guess I’m writing this to say that it never ends. It gets better but I don’t think it ever ends. You get through it though.
Anywho I gotta say I’m proud of myself that I don’t think I was a dick. I hope not…. She didn’t say I was anyway.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: balls, ballsack, fuck, out of body, penis, roseburg, Scrotum, sex
I learned this morning that it hurts to cook hash browns naked. I’ve done it before but this is the first time that the splash has ever gotten it’s revenge. I just dropped some grated potato into the pan and the oil got me right on the foreskin scar. It’s hard to explain that pain to someone that’s never experienced it. The penis has evolved to not feel a pain for a long time. Instead it hurts a lot but not for long. So you get this burning sensation that you couldn’t believe for a fraction of a second. It’s pretty sweet.
Anywho this pain thing made me think about a few times when I could remember the situation I was in having the very real possibility of death or extreme pain and I mentally felt nothing.
I remember a time when a friend of mine was driving me home from high school. We were driving along a windy road on the hill I lived on. This guy loved to drive really fast on the hill and the only problem was he drove a Buick and the road was wet. That happens a lot seeing as how I live in Oregon. Anyhow this guy took curve a little too fast right as a truck was coming around the bend. The only way he ever made this corner was to go into the other lane that was currently occupied. So he started swerving to get out of the way of the truck. And he’d swerve left… Over there was a house at the bottom of a sudden embankment drop. Then to the right… Over there was a ditch. He kept doing this and at one point I distinctly remember having my mind just go numb. It happened right when I thought we were going into the house off the edge. We would most likely die or be seriously injured if we went off the edge and I remember not caring. I remember having an out of body experience and just staring at the car from the outside. We ended up landing in the ditch and a back hoe that was driving by for some reason got us out.
I had the same feeling the first time I had sex. Not for the same reason obviously. I think it was because I was so nervous. Oh well… Fuck
A couple of blog entries ago I wrote about the rat race. About how we work to get vacation that we have to pay for with more work.That’s still true but with this new job I think I’ve figured out how people do it. They get jobs that they like. I’ve got one. I love my new job.
I’m in sales. I sell TV’s at an electronics store that I guarantee each one of you reading this has been to. I love that job. I think it has something to do with the thrill of the hunt and the whole psychological aspect of it. I figured out that anyone can sell anyone a TV. My job isn’t to sell them a TV. My job is to sell them the idea that they need my TV. It’s a thrilling hunt believe it or not. I don’t think I would mind working this job for a long time… Fuck.
So here it is.
I found out that you can in fact move during anal sex. Just make sure that you and your ladyfriend are experienced enough by the time that you try it. Also use lot’s and lot’s and lot’s of anal lube. It’s good stuff. You’ll slide in and out like no other. it’s pretty amazing.
Today I have to go to Salem, OR to play the bass guitar. I live in Portland… Yet another thing I just don’t feel like doing. Don’t get me wrong I love playing but since I’m in the national guard band I’m required to play this because it’s the military ball.
The military ball is basically a time that comes around once a year so that all of the officers in the Oregon national guard can get together, get drunk, attempt to do the whitest dancing possible, and all this while telling each other how awesome they are for being officers. And I, the lowly enlisted bitch, get to entertain them while they drunkenly dance and talk about how stupid everyone is for not being officers.
These are the same people that not a week ago told me I had to cancel wedding planning with the inlaws to drive down there and listen to a seminar on how to become an officer. I made it perfectly clear to them that I have absolutely no interest in becoming an officer by simply not showing up. Nothing is going to happen to me because of it but I’m still just a little pissed off that these people think they have some sort of dogmatic power over me. I don’t mind following orders when I’m on duty but when I’m off duty these people need to learn to chill out or just go fuck themselves.
Now I have to go down there in three hours and dance like a little grinder monkey for these people. I feel like a whore. People say porn and hookers objectify women. I say everything objectifies something. The only difference is that hookers and porn stars are women and men being objectified for their genitalia and I’m a dude being turned into a whore for my ability to play music. They can do what they want with me without so much as a thought that I’m human… FUCK!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: cocksucker, cunt, fuck, motherfucker, piss, shit, tits
The title may look familiar to you. It’s George Carlin’s compilation of The Seven Words You Can’t Say On TV. George Carlin being one of the greatest comedians of all time. Anywho he surmises that someone in the FCC has decided that these arbitrary words were “bad”.
Recently my fiance was recently told by several “payed to blog” companies who cited that her blog had too much “adult material”. Who decides what “adult material” is? The FCC?
I don’t know but I do know that her use of different words to describe the vagina don’t signify anything but the vagina.Maybe they find the vagina to be a dirty thing to talk about. I couldn’t imagine why. Other than that I can’t think of a single reason that any one name for anything should be considered “dirty” over another one.
Take the word “fuck” for instance. It literally means “intercourse”. Why is that dirty? We’re teaching our nation’s 5th about sex so obviously it’s not the subject that’s vulgar so long as it’s talked about maturely and in the right time and place. So why is fuck wrong? It’s certainly a versatile word. It’s a pronoun, a verb, a noun, and an adjective. You can’t go wrong with it. And yet it’s considered “risquè”. I don’t get it.
Oh well… Fuck
Sparing details I should say that it was a pretty non-average first day.
I started off my day with a man named “Darren”. I’m selling home theater equipment and since today was my first day I just shadowed another salesperson so that I could see how it was done. The very first customer we encountered seemed like a pretty normal guy. Darren walked over to him and did a bit of a double take before saying,” Hey, I recognize you from somewhere.”
They had a conversation to figure it out at which point Darren asked if he worked at a certain mall that Darren’s ex-girlfriend worked at. He said no. Then Darren remembered he knew the guy because this guy was regularly at his ex’s house while he was there. The man was there usually having sex with Darren’s ex-girlfriend’s mother. He was cheating on his wife. The very wife he brought in to pick out a TV. The very wife that bore him the two beautiful young children he brought with him. What a prick.
I can’t believe the stupidity that so many people have. Do these people not have the consideration to know that their significant others have feelings. Feelings and hearts that shouldn’t have to be broken because they can’t keep their dicks/vaginas in their pants. I’ve never cheated on anyone. I’ve never been cheated on. However, I can’t imagine that I would be able to stay with a person after that. I’d feel like every time I did anything (not necessarily sexual) I’d be compared to this other person that may or may not have known or cared that she had me and my trust.
Anywho this guy stayed in the store trying to get the best deal that he could so of course he, his wife, and his two kids were there for three hours. All the while I felt so awkward because all I could do was think about how much of a douche nozzle this guy was. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. Cheating disgusts me… Fucker.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anal, anus, boobies, lube, penis, sex, vagina
I must say that it is a fantastic thing to use for sex when the vahj is out of commission. For the men it’s very tight. And for the ladies it’s pretty much a guaranteed orgasm.
You may squirm now, we did. But never say never.
Just make sure to ease it in there the nice way, dudes. If you shove it in there too fast she’ll hurt and you’ll end up with blue balls. So what you have to do is just ease it in there and then for God’s sake don’t hump! Just gently move in a back and forth motion enough so that it rubs her in a good way. Eventually she’ll want more and more and you like it more and more.
As you’re reading this you’re probably thinking,” If I don’t move a lot, how’s it gonna feel good?”
Well it does, Chauncy. Don’t ask me how. It just does.
Remember to use lots of lube also. No lube will hurt both of you more than anything you’ve ever felt. It’s pretty amazing.
And as a side note I found recently that you shouldn’t come in the ass. It drips awkwardly.
Fini, Bitches
Since my counter-part wrote an article on how to take care of the vagina with Vulvodynia I thought I’d write the handbook on how to be a dude that can’t get laid because his lady’s vageen hurts.
This is what Vulvodynia is.
In short it means your girl gonna feel like she has a yeast infection for months and months and months at a time. And in our terms, men, it means that our women will not want to have sex for a very very long time. And not only that. You’ll feel really really bad for her.
I have a few pieces of advice here, men. The first is, get used to your hand. Because you’re gonna be using it for a while.
Secondly, you’re going to get blue balls a couple of times before you and your girl figure it out. So be prepared for that.
Thirdly, don’t be a dick bag. She won’t be able to do it and trust me there is no worse feeling than being inside of her because she felt bad for you and she starts crying because it hurts so much. Trust me, that’s way worse than blue balls. Be a man. Say no to your penis once in a while.
And Fourthly, shave yourself. All that hair you hold on to so dearly, yeah, that’s aggitation. So on the off chance you’re having one of those days were she can do it you don’t want to be the one that fucked it up because all your little curly soldiers rub her the wrong way.
Now, men, eventually something will give and her vagina will start to feel better and your sex life will go back to normal. For me it was six months. GIVE HER TIME AND DON’T BE A DICK!!! It’s pretty simple.
Also when you’re feeling extra special your tongue can do wonderful things without causing too much irritation.
